Oh, Frog It!

!@#$%^&*

2008-08-07T12:19:00.001-07:00

...because I feel like crying and cursing and yelling all at the same time.

So I did.

I'll feel better tomorrow.

Getting back on track...

2008-08-04T11:28:00.000-07:00

I took the kids to the park this morning.

I am about to make hamburger buns (because we're spoiled by the homemade goodness!).

I knit twelve rows of Liam's sleeve.

I cross-stitched a bit last night.

I finished my book ("The Red Tent" - which was a very interesting read, what a spin on things!).

Laundry's on the line. Isaac's napping. Kids are watching a movie (and then they'll do some reading when it's over).

I'm trying to get back on top of things around here. My body is craving a nap, but I refuse to give in.

I did go buy chips and dill pickle dip (which was too expensive) and ate that (and just that) for lunch. Big time comfort eating going on here. I ate ... oh gosh ... well I made 15 cinnamon buns and between the two of us (apart from the two Isaac ate), Liam and I ate them all.

I need to stop eating!!

That Which is Life

2008-08-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I went an entire month without posting anything! Well, actually, I can.

I've been completely exhausted and beyond stressed out about everything and ... everything. Having an absent hubby, who's career is surrounded by nothing but uncertainty, and three kids, with two extra and ... everything else that 'was' going on, I just seemed to fall into a hole of sleep and/or sleep deprivation.

I'm still tired, and still stressed, but I'm trying to climb out of it and realize that life goes on and things happen for a reason. What things? I can't divulge - don't want to divulge - but anyone who can read between the lines can probably figure it out.

I didn't think I'd be ever going through something like this, let alone ALONE! It's no one's fault, and I don't blame anyone, nor do I want to make anyone feel bad. I just have to say it out loud: This sucks!

Never - NEVER - in my life have I ever wished that my husband was here more. (Let's re-read that sentence to see if it makes sense! I've lost brain cells, I swear!). I get washed over with waves of dependency - where I don't want to be in charge and I want someone to just be in charge of me. Hold me, hug me, pamper me. Then I get that stubborn streak that quickly takes over and pounds through my body:

I am not sad.
I am not weak.
I am not tired.
I am not dependent.

My body/heart/mind are all conflicting each other. My heart is aching. My mind is saying it's for the best. My body is not realizing anything's wrong. And I think that is the real kicker. If my body would clue in to the fact that said surprise is non-existant, my heart and mind could get over it, or at least move past it a bit.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not buried by despair or depression. I know in my mind that things happen for a reason, that there's something bigger than me out there with a hand in all this, but that doesn't mean I don't have momentary lapses where I think silly thoughts:

This was a sign.
I've tempted fate once too often.
Trying again is not an option.
I'm destined to fail.

Very silly thoughts, all things considered!

I think I'm a bit sadder than I'm letting on. I think I'm waiting still for the floodgates to open - literally. At that time, when the dam breaks, I know there will be no turning back. And then I'll be forced to accept this.

I'm almost in that state where I wonder, "Was it a dream? Did I imagine the whole thing up?"

I know I'm okay. I know I will be okay.

But until everything settles, I'm sitting in limbo. And I don't want to be there!

So my body needs to hurry up and begin the process. My heart and mind have gone as far as they can go at the moment, and now my body needs to catch up.

I want to go home...

2008-07-02T11:33:00.001-07:00

I've decided I really want to go home. I can't imagine not getting there this summer.

Liam keeps talking about Gramma, and how much he misses her. I think it is because he's used to going there at least once a summer, and he figures it is summer now. Summer = Gramma. Makes perfect sense!

He was talking about it a lot last week. I'm not exactly sure what sparked it, but at one time he actually said, "I don't want to play right now. I just want to sit and think about Gramma and Gramma's camp. Everything makes me think of Gramma. Even that song makes me want to go to Gramma's" (he was referring to a song being played in a neighbour's garage - I couldn't even hear what song it was!). He then pouted for the next little bit, before giving up and moving on.

I checked into it and I think we could maybe swing it. Maybe.

I'm not sure if I'm up to two full days on a bus, though! That could be rough! Not that I don't think my kids would behave, but man ... that's a long haul.

I just emailed Phil the details. I'd be going for three weeks. There's only one hitch: dogs. What do I do with my dogs??? I don't think it is fair to have someone just come in and put them out a few times... for three weeks? I don't know. They're used to so much noise and commotion, I'm not sure how they'd do on their own! Probably fine, but ... it worries me. I suppose if worse comes to worse, I can always pay someone to come in and put them out, feed them, etc. I don't know. It sounds so harsh though.

I gave up on potty training. I want Isaac to GET it, not only kind of get it. He was doing really well - not peeing on anything, running to the potty, sitting, etc. But he wasn't 'getting' it. He would sit on the potty for an hour, pee, and not notice or care that he'd gone. There wasn't a moment of celebration because he never told me he'd peed. And, as soon as I put a diaper on him, he'd flood. So he was basically BARELY peeing all day, and then flooding once he relaxed in his diaper at night. Same with poop. He pooped once, but then just held it, until he said, "My tummy hurts."

That is the point where I gave up.

I want him to have that shining lightbulb moment where it all clicks, and all makes sense. So I'm going to try again in a month. I anticipate having him out of diapers by the end of summer, and even in the last two days I notice him holding it more throughout the day.

I really thought he'd train easy, but I don't want stress. I don't mind waiting, if he wants to wait. Probably the next time I try, he'll have a better idea of what I want and why. Not just peeing because he's sitting there watching tv...

What else?

The kids are well. Isaac was such a funny kid yesterday. He was so sociable and friendly. He's a true joy right now, because he's got so much to say!

Liam and Hannah are doing well. Both sat down and did a bit of homework today, with little to no complaint. Liam needs a lot of work in his maths, so we're going to tackle that. Hannah too seems to lag in math, and has surpassed her brother in reading. I have to keep them separate so she doesn't make him feel stupid or anything. He seems to struggle more with everything, and I feel bad for him. He has to work, while she can simply coast.

Anyway! All's well...!

Adjusting

2008-06-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how quickly I am adjusting to Phil not being here. I don't mean in any sense that I don't miss him, because I do! I just mean that it amazes me how less lost I feel, and how more centered I am. I try to keep myself out of the 'I just miss him' zone, and in the 'he'll be back soon' (at least for a little while) zone. I can't think beyond that, because it's all just too big right now. So I am focusing on when he comes back, and not on how long he'll be back, or how long he'll be gone again.

The kids are doing fine. They too, have adjusted. Isaac says that Daddy's gone on a 'hairplane' and he's 'in da sky!'. He's now dropped the pizza, which was his initial answer: "Daddy on da hairplane get me pizza!". I figure he's tired of waiting for the pizza.

Liam and Hannah hardly talk about him. I think it is a coping mechanism. They miss him, I know that, but the less they talk about him, the less they dwell on it. I've not told them of anything that's coming up, because I think it will be too hard right now, but soon enough, they'll have to 'deal' all over again, and that's worry enough.

Liam's at his last morning of school. Then he is officially done first grade.
Hannah finished Kindergarten on Wednesday.
Then I will have all my kids, home with me for two months. I am excited, but nervous. I'm going to be tired! And I am already grouchy.

I'm already enjoying not having to pack lunches! That's a free 15 minutes in the morning!! WOOT!

I'm letting the kids have free days for a few days, and then they'll slowly get back into doing a few worksheets and crafts, creative writing, etc. Not a LOT, I don't want to over work them (especially Liam, who needs the break) but I can't risk that he'll forget over summer either. So I am hoping to find a happy medium of working in fun activities that also keep his skills brushed up.

I am so tired.

Beyond tired.

Physically exhausted.

I need a sleep holiday.

Thank goodness it is Friday!

Okay, so it's been a while...

2008-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

I think, at this point, to call this a knitting blog would be a bit of a stretch. In order for it to be a knitting blog, I'd probably have to knit! Which I haven't. Or, at least not enough to write home about!! Here a row, there a row, everywhere a row row... ya, not much knitting at all.

Things have been as hectic as ever.

Three more days until school is essentially done. The kids can't wait. I can't wait. Safe to say nobody can wait. Not sure WHY I'm so anxious - my days are harder when the kids are home. But I'm happy nonetheless.

Phil is gone for a month. I'm hoping it goes by quickly, for more reasons than I will write about!

Today is Liam's birthday - Happy Birthday, Chumma!! We celebrated a few days ago, so I won't get into it. He didn't want a party so he didn't get one. He's enjoying the crap out of his new DS game. Yes, THE CRAP out of it - meaning, he does nothing BUT play it.

Next week we'll be potty training, and shortly after that .. well who knows!

Guess you'll have to read to find out what's exciting and true in the 'frog it' family!!

I've been tagged

2008-06-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

I've been tagged, and I realize I've been tagged, but I don't have the energy to play right now. But I will (eventually) so I do plan to tag away - just not right now, and not today.

So this is kind of like my virtual reminder that I NEED to tag someone, and finish my part of the game.

So, POKE POKE ... remind!

Everything's good here. I am just too tired to do much of anything. Gotta love those tired spells. I could definitely live without them!!

I'll update more, probably with pictures, this weekend. I'd love to say I've accomplished tons, but I've hardly knit at all. I'm tackling Ken Follet's "Ten Pillars of the Earth", and that's about it.

Thank goodness school's almost out! I'm ready for some R&R (but how that will be possible with all the kids home, I've not quite figured out!).

Knit Some, Rip Some.. Repeat

2008-05-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

So I decided that since Hannah got a new sweater, I'd better be fair and make Liam one too. I picked out a pattern, and ripped out the beginnings of a sweater that I had started a few months ago. I started knitting up the new pattern but realized quickly that the ridged knit looked kind of silly in the colours we'd picked (camouflage - of course!).

I had to rip it out.

I ask Liam to pick which of two patterns he likes and he picks pattern B. I begin knitting again. Next morning I show him said patterns again and he insists that no, he wanted Pattern A. Um, no, you said B. "Well I want A."

Start again.

Today, I'm looking at it and I'm just not feeling it. Wondering if this will become another sweater that Liam will put in his drawer and never wear... so I go back to the original pattern (yes, the one I started months ago), pull apart the 7 inch piece I've got going, and start again.

And this is the pattern I'm sticking with.

Liam's Army Sweater

Now, I'm feeling fairly confident that he'll at least LIKE this one, since he picked this around Christmas time, and was sure that he wanted it (ha, and me having thoughts of his latest debacle picking patterns).

I'm hoping it knits up quickly, because I may make the same pattern for my nephew and Isaac. Depending, of course, on how it looks.

Finished Hannah's sweater...

2008-05-23T12:29:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I finished it!

Not because it was difficult, but because I was having a hard time picking up needles. I just finished 'Mark of the Lion' Book II ("An Echo in the Darkness") -- which was excellent -- and then started Ken Follet's "The Pillar's of the Earth", which I can't seem to put down.

But, I decided that since I can't read through the two hour finale of Grey's, I may as well do something useful. So I did.

Here's Hannah's new sweater in all it's glory. It's a mite big, but she'll grow.

I think she likes it. She hasn't taken it off since I had her try it on,and it is (after all) pink. If it is pink, it has to be all right.

Now to decide on my next project!

Bugs ... BEEware!

2008-05-14T08:37:00.000-07:00

I'm a laundry hanger. I LOVE to hang my clothes on the line. I find it relaxing, and peaceful. The birds are usually singing, the air is crisp, and it is a little bit of alone time where NO ONE will bother me (lest they be put to work!).

Last night I took a shower, and decided at the last minute that I would fold my laundry upstairs in my room before going to bed. I put the basked on the bed and begin folding. I am about half way through the load when I hear it:

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz! Bzzzzzzzzzzzz!

At first I think there is a fly behind me. I turn around, and there's nothing.
It doesn't take me long to realize where the sound is coming from. One of the two piles of laundry (Liam's pile, and Hannah's pile). Which is buzzing, I'm not sure.

I'm hoping its a fly but fearing that it isn't.

I grab my slipper and start whacking the clothes. Whatever is in there won't survive a wolloping from my size eight slipper, surely!

I smack.
I whack.
I alternate between piles.

The buzzing quiets, then gets louder.

So, I keep my slipper on the pile and start whacking the slipper with my book - my brand new book. I'm giving the pile of clothes the beating of its life before I realize that the buzzing is NOT stopping, and my book is getting ruined.

I lay the book down and sit on the pile of clothes (slipper and all). The buzzing stops. WHEW!

I breathe deeply and stand up.

The buzzing begins again.

By this point, I'm getting a little bit frantic. I'm remembering when someone (probably my mom!) told me that bees and hornets release a smell or a sound to let their hive know that they're in trouble. I'm remembering that someone (probably my mom, probably LYING!) telling me that the hive will swarm to protect their own. I remember someone (SOMEONE) saying, "If you need to kill it, kill it fast." A philosophy I've adopted as my own, terrified of being swarmed by stinging insects.

So yes, I'm panicking.

Not sure what to do next (the damn thing won't die, I'm going to get swarmed - in my room no less - by these stinging creatures hell bent on revenge), I grab a towel and swaddle the entire load of laundry. I wrap it as tightly and securely (yet gently too!) as I can, and tiptoe my way downstairs, terrified the thing will be further disturbed and find a way out (at which point it will not only sting me, but sound the alert).

I get outside and HEAVE the entire load out onto the grass. Remember, I don't know WHERE the bug is, only that it is in the laundry piles somewhere.

I delicately begin picking up articles of clothing. I give them a shake. When I hear no buzzing, I put it on the step.

Down to the last pair of shorts. Liam's yellow swim trunks. I give them a shake. I am greeted with a buzzing. I shake them again (shake and toss, really!) and when they land the buzzing takes on a furor that I'd not heard before. Of course, as the buzzing increases in intensity and rises in pitch I begin ducking for cover, SURE that by now the hive has heard his troubles and are about to swarm.

I give the shorts one last shake and I hear a piercing sound - like the sound of a needle piercing through fabric. It is a STINGING bug. It is stinging the shorts, angry beyond belief with whichever nut case (me) is so violently disturbing it.

Now, by this time I've managed to throw the shorts all around the front yard, at 9:45 pm, with soaking wet hair, pjs, and no bra. I'm sure people are watching me, so I'm trying to remain decent.

It dawns on me that all this shaking is pretty stupid. Do I really, at this point, when it is so angry, want the bee to get loose? PROBABLY NOT. I jump off the step, land on his shorts, and do a little jig - rapidly stomping every square inch of the shorts. It isn't until I feel the snap of the bug dying (at which point I screamed and jumped away), do I feel safe to stop.

I stop, look around, and breath deeply. "I am a strong, independent woman. I don't need a man, or help." (You just know the whole time I'm thinking about who I can call to come rescue me. Strong my ass!)

It takes me a good few minutes to get the courage to shake the shorts one last time. The bee (big bee!) falls out and lays lifeless on the walkway. I think to myself that I should remove it, you know, put it in the garbage or something, but I can't. I'm halfway convinced that it ISN'T dead, but is faking it, with its swarm at the ready, waiting to get me when I bend over.

I go back in the house, finish my laundry, stopping every few seconds SURE that I hear bees. I brush my teeth, again, hearing bees the whole time. Eventually, I get Liam and put him in bed with me - a good mother would have left him alone, after all, the bees could still get me!

I woke up this morning, and sure enough, the bee is still there. It must have been dead after all. but I am re-washing Liam's shorts. Not only do they have bee guts in them, but I'm worried that he'll be walking around with the scent of bee panic on him... wouldn't want them to swarm the wrong target!

I hate bees.

Puttering Along

2008-05-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm done just about half of Hannah's sweater. That's a good thing! I needed a quick and easy knit to restore my confidence. And I've got it ;)

I have to say, it's not a moment too soon either! Hannah wore her size four to school today and it is just too short. I let her wear it, but it's getting small. The good thing is, she's growing. The bad thing? Well there isn't a bad thing, apart from her looking a bit goofy in her outfit today!

I'm hoping to be done by next week. Now watch, it'll be way too big! Ha, that would be about my luck ;)

Isaac

2008-05-08T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today, my baby turns two.
At 5:17 p.m. (EST), he will be two years old.
On Monday, May 8, 2006, my Isaac David made his entry into our world, forever changing our lives.
He was 9 lbs 4 oz and 23.25 ins

I was induced at 38 weeks.
Here I, the morning of the big day.
I much have the look of a woman who knows what she's in for!

And then he was born.
All nine pound gorgeous-ness.

And when he looked at us, we felt nothing but love.
Another child.
Another boy.
But our first (and only) Isaac.

He was a cuddler.

He was a lap baby.

He was my 'velcro' child.

"Do you never put that child down?"

Not if I don't have to.

The kids loved him.
From the start, they adored him.
No jealousy. No behaviours.
It just was.
I kept telling people, "One day the novelty will wear off!"

We're still waiting.
He's two today.
He's bratty.
He's testy.
He's a snuggler.
A crab.
He's a giggler.
A joker.
A pest.
He talks and walks and gets into things.
And we love him.
We love him for who he was, who he is, and who he will become.

The kids hug him.
Poke him.
Kiss him.
They admire him.
Play with him.
Talk to him.
Teach him.

They love him.

Our wonderful two year old!

And as I type this, he sits on my lap screaming his head off because his nap was too short.

So I'm off to snuggle and love, and dote some more.

Ta Da!

2008-05-07T08:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not satisfied - not in the least. I can't believe how poorly it fits, and how bunchy the shoulders are. I suppose it will be a GREAT sweater for layering, or for those cold cold evenings, but it isn't the sort of sweater that I want to wear out and shout to the world: 'Look what I made!'

I think I've learned some valuable lessons for next time:

Measure! Measure! Measure!
When you ask your hubby "Am I bigger than this model?" and he says that you're smaller, attempt to believe him. He told me to make it in small. I chose not to listen.
Do not assume you can wing it. Read through the pattern and if there is just too much that makes no sense, skip it. Find something new.
Try, try again.

It's just such a big time investment (nearly two months) to make something that is just okay. Something that is meh.

Luckily I'm on to something relatively small (size 6) so it shouldn't take nearly as long or as much energy. No cables. Straight stocking stitch.

I can handle that!

Sigh

2008-05-06T13:18:00.001-07:00

I am finished.

Well, almost finished.

I'm doing the neckband now and expect I'll be done it tonight.

But I'm not happy.
FAR from happy.
A bit closer to sad, really.

I think I sized it wrong. I probably could have fit a small.
The shoulders are AWFUL. Plain, terribly so, awful. I'm sure I didn't do it right. I'm sure I didn't even know what I was doing. I'm sure they make me look like a square football player.

They have points. The damn shoulders have POINTS.

Phil says, "You can't win them all."
I say, "I'd like to win at least one!"

I know, I know. I have some successful pieces to my credit.
I am just easily discouraged, and right now, I am just that.
I am going to keep going.
I am going to finish it.
And goddammit I am going to wear it. Boxy shoulders and all.

I will wear it.
I will enjoy it.
I will be warm.

Now will I tell anyone that *I* made it?
I dunno.
I'm just not proud of it!

Proud that I finished - yes!
Proud of the finished product? No.

Oh well.

Next will be Hannah's sweater. Hopefully it will go quickly and easily. She graduates June 25, and you just cannot trust Alberta weather.

Ha, like it even matters. She's wearing a gown.

Oh well.

I've also decided on what Vanessa is getting (so cute - ruffled wrap style sweater).
Liam's get an army coloured v-neck ribbed pullover.
The two boys (Patrick and Isaac), I am still undecided - but I'm thinking I may try a train sweater.

Or maybe they'll get army too!

See. Chin up. Bigger worries, anyway.
There's always something...

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2008-05-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

I'm well on my way in my decreases (cuz sleeves are shaped much like a kite) and soon I'll be on the strap (that goes across my shoulder, from shoulder to neck) and then... THEN I put it all together, knit up the collar and Bob's your uncle.

Done.

Finit.

I know I'm almost there because the 'ah man, do I really still have to knit this' feeling is fading and being replaced with the hum of 'almost finished finished finished' and victory tunes.

Because I am almost there!

But, there is a small problem...

I'm not quite sure how to put the whole thing together!!

Yikes!!

Maybe it will stay in bits and I can show people the sweater that I ALMOST made!!

SLEEVES .... grr

2008-04-29T11:02:00.001-07:00

I swear...

these

sleeves

are

never

going

to

be

finished!

I've got serious 'bored with this project want to start something new' blues. And, I feel like these sleeves are taking for freaking ever! I always hate sleeves... all that increasing. Bah!

I want to get to work on Hannah's sweater so it's done for Graduation! Then, I want to start their Christmas sweaters (or whatever sweaters - I'm not good at keeping things. I knit them and give them). But I do have Patrick's and Vanessa's to do.

Oh so many projects... calling my name... giving me their best 'come hither' look.

And I'm stuck doing these damn sleeves

that

just

won't

end.

Pooh!

Needles gone awry!

2008-04-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

Ever have a day when you have to bite the bullet and pack the needles away? When everything you attempt to accomplish is so riddled with mistakes its better to just not try at all? When you look at the work in your hands and can't figure out what you were thinking, or how you got there?

Hmm.

That was my yesterday. Ha, and possibly the day before!

Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I lack focus.
Maybe I was distracted (by the phone?).
Maybe I was just feeling the pressure of needing to finish this sweater before Phil gets home.

Or, maybe I just suck! (ha)

Then again, maybe it is because I have these three (and then four others during the day) - always calling me, needing me, asking for things.

"Mom..." "Mom..." "Mom..."

STOP MOM-ing me! (I feel better now!!)

I ended up knitting two rows, without remembering that I was at that point in the pattern where the cuff ends, and therefore needle size and pattern changes. I remembered the needle change. I didn't remember the pattern change.

Boo.

So, I had to UN-knit two rows off my two sleeves (so, really, four rows) and it is cables, which is just a royal pain in the arse. But, managed. I got my two rows un-knit, and was ready to reknit them. But, I got the big idea to put it on circulars. Since I'm doing two sleeves at one, I thought it would just be easier! And, in the meantime, I only did my increases on one sleeve, and totally forgot on the other. Then, upon un-knitting, I realized that I'd also forgotten to twist the stitches. Got that all done, and I ended up with two sleeves, facing different ways... I still don't know how I did that!

By the time I fixed all my 'mistakes', I just wasn't in the mood to knit anymore.

Grrrr.

What a mess! But, today is a brand new day ;)

Yes, it's still snowing.

2008-04-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

It is now Tuesday. It has been snowing since Saturday. Isn't that great?

I was lucky enough to arrange rides for all but 3:00 pick-up yesterday, so it wasn't too bad. Today I had the kids get a ride to school and my friend was so nice that she did shifts, since she couldn't fit all of the kids into her car at the same time. I was so thankful! And, I had mentioned I needed milk, so she brought me some.

I was dumb enough, though, to think walking to pick Hannah up at 11:30 was a good idea. I stopped to get the mail and picked up a gallon of milk, and made my way there, with four kids in tow.

HOLY CRAP.

It's not that it was THAT cold, but there was a whipping wind, blowing the fallen snow (and snow still falling) and trying to make our way through the drifts (nothing is plowed), and add to it snow-blindness... it is plain DANGEROUS to be walking with kids in that. ONE kid, manageable... I could have held a hand. But with three kids walking and two in a sled behind me, I was so afraid someone would walk into traffic, a car would slip... you know how it is.

SPRING! (not!)

2008-04-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

It is supposed to be Spring!

Last week I was hanging clothes on the line.

I raked up the yard.

I set out summer furniture.

We sat in sun hats and t-shirts, riding bikes and kicking balls.

And now?

How is it even possible for the weather to shift like this? *brrrrrrr*
I don't think I'd be so bothered if it wasn't also so friggin' cold. I think we're at -18 winds (which, I know, compared to -30 to -40 we can see, isn't bad), and this isn't supposed to let up. At least not for a few days. It is APRIL! April SHOWERS not APRIL FLURRIES! GEEEEEZ!

Hannah is supposed to walk with her class to the swimming pool today. I'm sure the teachers weren't banking on snowpants, and winter boots. What a mess it will be! And C O L D!

Luckily, I managed to get the kids rides at least TO school today, but I'll be walking this afternoon to pick them up. I just hope it stops snowing by then... it has been snowing pretty well non-stop since Saturday. Everything is covered and the roads are snow-covered skating rinks. Of course nothing is shut down. I think I heard that a bus was on its side this morning. Isn't that some indication of what it is like out there??

BAH!

This feels more like Christmas... not Spring.

When did she grow up?

2008-04-20T11:00:00.001-07:00

Hannah's been through countless moments of 'daddy-less-ness' and never (NEVER) has she reacted to it. She just doesn't....er, hadn't. HADN'T...

Until yesterday.

Phil gave her a quick hug, loaded up the van, and off he went.

It blindsided me. I was caught totally unprepared.

I expected it of Liam. It is in his nature to worry, anguish, cry. He GETS sad, and he nurses that sadness. He thinks on things (too much), and keeps awake at night letting his worries and anxieties get the best of him.

Not Hannah. She lives, she laughs, she loves, she carries on. She sleeps like the dead. She doesn't HAVE worries (which is good - kids shouldn't worry!).

And then yesterday her daddy walked out the door (for a month) and she cried hysterically. The world came to a stop and she couldn't make it go again. Her daddy left her. And to top it off, her new little friend from Scotland left the same day, which only furthered her hysterics.

"Not only has Daddy gone, but now Alice is going too! This is the worst day ever. I am having such a terrible (horrible no good very bad) day!" Tears rolling down her face, orange hair clashing with her furiously red face. I don't even think she was SAD - I think she was MAD. How dare they all leave her??

Liam just looked on, no tears, with that look. The one that says, 'I'm a big boy and I won't cry but man if she doesn't stop it soon I'm gonna puddle on the floor - oh Hannah stop crying you're making me sad too' look. He rubbed her hand and told her a lame joke. In reality, all he did for her was understand - and sometimes, that's all it takes.

But then last night it was bed time and it started all over. She laid in her bed and soaked her pillows with her tears. We all listened to her sob her heart out. Simply said, "I miss Daddy."

I miss Daddy too - but Daddy IS coming back. I told her maybe she should pray, and just ask Jesus to watch over Daddy, keep him warm, and somehow find a way to let Daddy know just how much Hannah loves him. She eventually settled and fell asleep.

And all in the meanwhile, there's my compassionate little boy in his room giggling. "What time is it where Daddy is?" (Same time as it is here) "Do you think he's gone to bed yet?"

Ahhhhh, Liam hid a chocolate bar inside Daddy's pillow. "I told Daddy that if his pillow felt lumpy he'd better look inside and find it." I hope he did. I hope it brought him peace. I think he didn't want to leave as much as we didn't want him to.

He'll come back to a big kid. Isaac will be TWO. He already looks older...

I don't know what I'll do or what I'll say if he goes to Afghanistan. I'll have to have faith, I suppose...

"Where Daddy go?"

2008-04-19T16:15:00.000-07:00

That's what Isaac keeps saying. Or, worse still, as soon as the dogs bark at whatever noise it is that they are barking at now, he says, "Oh! Daddy home! DADDY HOME!" And, then I say, "No, no, Daddy's not home. Go on and play."

The first days (or thirty) are the hardest. I walk around in a daze (which I am now), being bored, lost, and stuck in a state of self-pity. Oh poor me, who's husband will be home in a month... poor me, who's husband isn't currently overseas... poor me, with my wonderful kids, a comfortable home, and food in the cupboards.

Yes, poor me.

But I FEEL like poor me. I HATE (hate hate) being on my own. I get tired, grumpy, and jittery. Can't sit still, can't keep moving, can't settle on any activity... and to add to things I just find that tv sucks! There are so few shows I actually enjoy, or go out of my way to watch. And, truth be told, I was totally getting into 'The Shield', and Phil took the DVDs with him. Not that I really see myself watching it without him, but still!

I was going to ask him to go to Walmart and buy me the "Pride and Prejudice" movie set (the A&E version, NOT the remake) and I didn't and am now kicking myself. I would love to sit and watch something like that, since I am alone and he's not here to remind me of how lame I am! And if not that, then I really wanted 'Anne of Green Gables', because I want to watch it with Hannah.

I think if I hit Walmart at all while he's gone, I'm buying one or the other... maybe. I'm not so good at spending money. Unfortunately, he's good enough for both of us! So he spends and I wish... I wish I had that! I wish I had this!

Isaac is sitting on the floor at my feet eating Girl Guide cookies. While he's eating, he's screaming, "Go away! Go away! No! No! Go!!!!! AWAY!!!!"

He's making a pretty big mess and the dogs, well, they're dogs! They want to clean it. Only, he doesn't want it cleaned. He wants every last crumb of his two cookie treat. He is so loud, and so angry. I've now put the dogs to bed so he can calm down and actually EAT the cookies (instead of simply squeezing the life out of them while he turns a dramatic shade of purple and the veins in his forehead pulse). I think he may just have a temper!

I'm only about two inches shy of being done the front of the sweater. I've made myself a deal... if I can finish the whole thing before Phil gets back (or by the time he gets back) I can buy/order/steal myself some yarn - ANY yarn - to make myself a new project. Right now, I'm really digging a hooded cardigan off ravelry, but I need to lose myself in those pages just a bit more before I settle on anything. Besides that, I have a sweater to do for Liam, Hannah, Isaac... and then Patrick and Vanessa's Christmas gifts, and then the cross-stitch I want to do for the person who shall remain nameless.

Okay, that's depressing. I've just reminded myself of how much I actually ASPIRE to do, and how much I won't. The sweater I want to make Hannah (well, the one I *think* I want to make Hannah) is like the one she's wearing in the picture to the right. It has 3/4 sleeves and a sort of ruffle on the bottom. It would be in a pink/purple yarn this time, and a bigger size, as she's just about outgrown the size 4. I'm not 100% sold though. I mean, its a great, versatile sweater (looks cute with jean, over a dress, with a skirt), but I also want to try new things. I just don't know!!

I should get working...

But I'm almost done the front - now that's something!!

Then again, I'm also thoroughly enjoying this book I'm reading: "Voice in the Wind" (Francine Rivers). If I didn't get totally enthralled like this, I wouldn't mind so much putting the books down to pick up needles... at the very least, I need to pick a simpler pattern so I can knit and read at the same time, as I did with Vanessa's baby blanket! Now THAT is a plan!

And here we sit, at Wednesday.

2008-04-16T12:02:00.000-07:00

I am 8.5 inches shy of finishing the front of my sweater. Slowly, but surely, I'm getting there. Truth be told, I don't knit much! I go to bed and read, which is just terrible because it means I get so involved in the book I'm reading I can't stop until it is finished, and that leaves very little time to fit knitting in!

I'd like to think that with Phil leaving I will get much accomplished on the knitting front, but I find the opposite is usually true. I simply can't settle into anything and just read MORE and watch tv MORE and fart around on the computer MORE. All things that I don't normally do too too much. I think it is because I can't truly relax, and I find myself pacing and staring off into space. Maybe it is what you'd call a 'funk' ... or loneliness. That's where I'll be at though, so I'm hoping I can motivate myself to GET THIS DONE. Heck, I have other projects I want to be doing!!

I'm hoping the sleeves won't be too intensive. I think I'll probably do them two at at time, because to me it seems to just go faster - maybe because when I'm done, I'm done and I don't need to think about another sleeve! I'm sure it is not actually any faster in the long run, but at least it'll all measure the same!

The kids are doing fine. They were enjoying the beautiful SPRING weather, until it got cold again. Now we're all huddled inside and trying to talk ourselves into going back out. It is just too dang windy all the time. Poor Isaac says, "I COOOOLD, Mommy! I cold!" His eyes run and his nose runs. He's the coldest of my kids, and he feels it the quickest.

Hannah and Liam are both anxious to be done school. They've hit that 'burn out' time, where it is just not fun anymore... three months to go. I'm sure they'll survive ;)

Self-Motivation (finished projects)

2008-04-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Because I've been reading more than I'm knitting, I feel in need of motivation. To do that, I'm compiling some finished projects to remind myself that I CAN and WILL finish what I've started, if I let myself!

So here we go. In no particular order, really, here are some finished products:

I've finished the back!

2008-03-31T10:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, I finished the back. I held it up against my body and did a silent prayer that it would come past my belly button, and around my sides. I think it will fit. I'm not worried, because if it doesn't end up fitting I have a few pretty skinny sisters that will get a pretty snazzy Christmas gift!

I can't tell you how excited I am to be finished at least one piece of it. It seems to be going so slowly, and I get so discouraged. I know I'm not a fast knitter, and I know there is a technique for going faster, but I don't know it, or how to make myself get through a row quicker. And, of course, people have been sick, I've been sick, tired, etc. It just doesn't make for much knitting getting done.

Isaac is sick. He's got a fever today and a big rumbling cough. He's pretty listless, and just plain ill. He's got that look. You know the look. Eyes glazed, pink cheeked, droopy look.

My stomach is sore. VERY sore. I have to have no caffeine or spices for a while. No chocolate either. No Advil or ibuprofen. I seem to get this every time I get sick. I'm already on an acid reducer but this time its not helping. The pain is so intense I want to puke. Last night I made the mistake of feeling around (poking) my tummy and when I got about half way up, the pain shot up my esophagus and I was sure then then I'd throw up. It's not a heartburn type pain, but a gnawing/stabbing pain, right at the top of my tummy, under my diaphragm.

I'm tired of having a sore stomach.

My little worrier...

2008-03-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm having a sick day. I was nauseous all day yesterday and managed to (finally) throw up a little bit before going to bed. I was honestly at that point where I thought puking would be better than not! I had a massive headache and couldn't even close my eyes because the dark hurt. Yes, it was that bad.

I did go to bed, at 8:45 and woke feeling much better with Isaac screaming around 1. I think he's having nightmares because he's close to inconsolable, and we can't leave him until he's fully awake and aware of his surroundings. Whatever haunts his sleep lingers for a while, and he's afraid to be left alone. I feel bad for him, and I wonder, what could a not even two year old possibly dream about? What could be so terrifying to him? Sometimes I think it better I not know, as it would probably break my heart....

So I felt better this morning. A bit green around the gills but not like yesterday. I had a headache still, but the Tylenol knocked it back some and I was proceeding as normal (minus five kids).

Being the first day of Spring break for the kids, I thought they could use a bath and clean their rooms. I was in the middle of scrubbing out the bathtub when the headache came back full force. It was an eye-shutting, grabbing my head and groaning type of pain. I continued and filled the tub for the boys, and tidied rooms as it filled.

Every time I bent over, the pain would hit, behind my ear, up my neck, and almost black me out. Intense! I've had these before, but each time is as scary as the first. I'm now kneeling by the bathtub, scrubbing Liam's hair, who is in turn scrubbing his brother's hair (and not very gently!). I casually (well, what I thought was casually) say, "Do you know how call 9-1-1?"

He proceeds to tell me that yes, he knows how, he just has to call.... insert a long pause...."9 and a one and a one". It was funny how he said it. How he thought about it first. I asked him if he knew when to call, and he said that yeah, he knew that too.

So I get the boys out of the tub and I'm moaning sporadically while I wait and pray that the Tylenol kicks in soon or else Phil's taking me to the hospital.... Liam says, "I can call 911 about your headache for you."

And its funny because that was the point I was getting at. The point of "Liam, without me telling you, do you know how to get Mommy help if she needs it?" Now, I was not at the point of NEEDING an ambulance, but I always get afraid that something in my head will pop, and no one will notice, or think to call for help. So I took the time to explain that he should only call 911 if I fall down and don't get up. If he can't wake me. Then I stop and add, "And not because I've fallen asleep on the couch either. Try to wake me first."

He's my worrier. He takes everything I say (and don't say) seriously, and he worries over it. If I say I am going to the doctor, he assumes the worst (or the best - he assumes I'm pregnant!). He checks on me, he holds me, he covers me up. He's that type of kid.

He takes in all the current events and he works himself up about them, only he doesn't say so for days past.

I worry about him worrying. He shouldn't have any troubles. But he MAKES troubles. He takes the weight of the world onto his shoulders. Perhaps that is what comes of being the oldest?

Hannah's just got out of the bath. I washed her hair and then told her to get out when she was ready. She sings incessantly, so its not a worry to leave her alone (and she's 5). When she's quiet, I worry. Quiet just isn't in Hannah's vocabulary. She doesn't understand 'shh'. So she's down and she's got her arms wrapped around me. "I'm hugging you," she says.

She squeezes so tight.

"Do you never get enough hugs?" she asks?

"Never," I tell her. Because I never do. There's no such thing. The more hugs I get, the more hugs I need. I randomly pick my kids up and kiss them and hug them. I NEED to touch them. It's strange. I wasn't brought up in a touchy-feely house, yet I've become touchy-feely.

I can smell her. She smells of soap. She actually WASHED herself! Celebrations. I ask her, "Did you wash?" I know she did, I can smell it.

She lets out her little giggle. Such a giggle she has! "First I used just my hands, but I kept losing the soap! So then I used a cloth."

I wonder if she rinsed any of that soap off. I wonder if I'll discover half a bar of soap gone? I wonder if she's proud of the fact that she washed, dried, and dressed herself with no help?

So all three kids are clean, the tylenol has kicked in, and its time for lunch. Then Isaac's off to bed, and I think I might lay down too. And take the phone with me. I don't want any ambulances showing up at the door.

And so it continues...

2008-03-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

Liam went to bed last night and woke up an hour later, puke everywhere.

He only threw up once, and woke up this morning and ate breakfast, so I'm not sure what to think! And then Isaac woke around midnight and puked GREEN goop all over his bed. Never seen anything like that before.

He, too, woke up wanting breakfast.

Why can't 'bugs' ever be clear cut?!?!?

And worse? I think I'm next .........

ick.

"Ralph"

2008-03-26T11:18:00.000-07:00

Well, after a relaxing weekend, Isaac's decided that today would be a good day to be 'yucky'. After a rough (cranky) night, he woke up screaming for cookies and chocolate bars... not even two and he's certainly got a mind of his own. So he spent most of the morning crying for said 'bar' and then after I gave in and let him have it (Oatmeal bar - NOT a chocolate bar), he wouldn't eat it.

Fast forward to 8:30. We should be out the door to school now, and I'm just looking for my shoes when I hear a very distinctive 'splat'. Toddler sick all over the floor - and it just kept coming!! I couldn't get a bucket, couldn't move, just had to watch him erupt all over himself (winter coat and all), the floor, and me. I quickly mop and change and we are only JUST barely late for school.

He was fine the rest of the morning, if not a bit clingy and 'green'... but then he insisted on eating some goldfish crackers.

Yup - puked all over a second coat (we had just got back from kindergarten pick-up). I'm hoping I have a THIRD coat that will fit him downstairs, and hoping he won't puke all over that one too!

He's sleeping now, poor guy... and I'm left to wonder who else will get it. Liam was throwing up two weeks ago, then I threw up a week ago last night, and Isaac now...? Is this just the same virus, with a long incubation period? Or is it a new bug, that might knock us all out?

I don't think I've ever mentioned it ... but I hate puke. HATE it. It makes me neurotic (har har - okay, MORE neurotic). I turn anorexic!

BUT ... but I am trying to be calm. I'm still going ahead with my pasta dinner (Isaac of course won't have any). I figure if they're going to puke, they're going to puke ... toast or spaghetti, it's all still puke. And chances are, they're not going to hit a bucket the first time anyway - so I might as well just eat and feed them as normal.

Ugh...............

I still hate puke. At nearly seven, Liam can hit a bucket. I'm hoping at five, Hannah will follow suit. And at 22 months - Isaac can just forget it. In fact, when I held the bucket under his head he fought against it (choosing to puke on his feet instead).

*sigh*

blech.

And as for my sweater - I am ALMOST (maybe six inches shy) finished the back.
YAY!!

Slow going, though. I am just too tired to marathon knit, so it is basically just a few rows here and there. I know I will finish, so I'm just taking it stitch by stitch, and row by row.

And to finish off, here are a few pictures of the kids, taken over the Easter weekend. Funny, how so little any of this has to do with knitting, eh? But if you look closely, you'll see the kids are wearing sweaters made by yours truly...

His baptism sweater...

her birthday sweater...

and his Baptism sweater...

I had to put a second picture of Isaac up, since he was hardly looking his best in that picture!! The one below was taken on Good Friday, wearing big boy jeans. He looked very, very grown up!

And I call myself a knitter....!

2008-03-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

There are three things that are not conducive to knitting.

One:

Fatigue.
Tiredness.
And I was tired. Eyes crossed, tonsil showing yawns, tired.

Two:

Stomach bug.
Bloating.
Vomitus Eruptus.
And yeah, I did that too.

I think, though, that it is the third thing that is the clincher ....

Three:

A good book.

See, I picked up the fifth book in the series I've been reading and haven't been able to put it down since I got it last Saturday.

Wait, that's a lie - because I was doing good with knitting at least a few rows/day until I got the 'tired's on Tuesday (which was subsequently followed by the vomitus - go figure!), and THEN I got really into the book ... and that clinched it for me.

Sealed my fate, so to speak.

I've not looked at, picked up, or thought about (apart from in a guilty way, as in 'Oh I should really be...') my knitting needles. As for my book? Well, I'm almost done.

I think if I owned the book it would be different, but a library book is just a whole different BREED of reading. There's deadlines, and overdue fines to contend with. So I just have to read it - fast and now.

Okay, okay - so what if that's just what I tell myself? There are only three things that take up my spare time: knitting, reading, and Nintendo DS (right now I am playing Word-jong, but its the type of thing I play only a certain times ... for example, when I'm putting the little guy to bed and want to hang out to make sure he actually STAYS in bed).

I just looooooooove a good book. Above tv, and yes, above knitting.

GASP!

And here I was hoping I'd knit this sweater up in less than a month.

Damn library!!

Let's hope the second book I took out isn't quite as good ;)

A new ball...

2008-03-16T14:20:00.000-07:00

So I got all paranoid that I wouldn't have enough yarn to complete the sweater. I headed out and picked up another ball at my favourite (read as CHEAPEST) yarn store....

The problem? The balls are 1000 gram balls :)

Guess who's getting a matching sweater to mom!

West Coast Cables...

2008-03-15T17:26:00.000-07:00

So I have started a new project.

YAY!

It is for me, and hopefully, will be wonderful!! It's all cable-y and pretty and, well, me! The colour is perfectly different and I can't wait to see how it finishes. Pictures can't capture the true colour, but that is fine... ha, well sort of. Actually, its not fine at all, but I'm getting over it! I'd love for people to see how it REALLY looks.

So I am done the 4 inch rib:

I think the cables are pretty neat, and fairly simple. When I first looked at the pattern I had some major anxiety, no realizing that the cables in the rib was done without a cable needle. I can't imagine cabling each of those WITH a needle!!

There are still some things making me nervous about this pattern. I mean, it says they are saddle shoulders or something like that, and I don't know what that even means - let alone to DO it. But I figure its a step at a time, like any other pattern, and before I know it, I'll be done.

Here's a last close-up of the cables:

I don't know. I think I like it!

And...

AND!

You can ALMOST see the true colour of the yarn. Can you see the flecks of pink and teal in it? It is just stranded through...

Leave it to me to choose a colour I can't describe...