That Which is Life

I cannot believe I went an entire month without posting anything! Well, actually, I can.

I've been completely exhausted and beyond stressed out about everything and ... everything. Having an absent hubby, who's career is surrounded by nothing but uncertainty, and three kids, with two extra and ... everything else that 'was' going on, I just seemed to fall into a hole of sleep and/or sleep deprivation.

I'm still tired, and still stressed, but I'm trying to climb out of it and realize that life goes on and things happen for a reason. What things? I can't divulge - don't want to divulge - but anyone who can read between the lines can probably figure it out.

I didn't think I'd be ever going through something like this, let alone ALONE! It's no one's fault, and I don't blame anyone, nor do I want to make anyone feel bad. I just have to say it out loud: This sucks!

Never - NEVER - in my life have I ever wished that my husband was here more. (Let's re-read that sentence to see if it makes sense! I've lost brain cells, I swear!). I get washed over with waves of dependency - where I don't want to be in charge and I want someone to just be in charge of me. Hold me, hug me, pamper me. Then I get that stubborn streak that quickly takes over and pounds through my body:

I am not sad.
I am not weak.
I am not tired.
I am not dependent.

My body/heart/mind are all conflicting each other. My heart is aching. My mind is saying it's for the best. My body is not realizing anything's wrong. And I think that is the real kicker. If my body would clue in to the fact that said surprise is non-existant, my heart and mind could get over it, or at least move past it a bit.

Don't get me wrong.

I'm not buried by despair or depression. I know in my mind that things happen for a reason, that there's something bigger than me out there with a hand in all this, but that doesn't mean I don't have momentary lapses where I think silly thoughts:

This was a sign.
I've tempted fate once too often.
Trying again is not an option.
I'm destined to fail.

Very silly thoughts, all things considered!

I think I'm a bit sadder than I'm letting on. I think I'm waiting still for the floodgates to open - literally. At that time, when the dam breaks, I know there will be no turning back. And then I'll be forced to accept this.

I'm almost in that state where I wonder, "Was it a dream? Did I imagine the whole thing up?"

I know I'm okay. I know I will be okay.

But until everything settles, I'm sitting in limbo. And I don't want to be there!

So my body needs to hurry up and begin the process. My heart and mind have gone as far as they can go at the moment, and now my body needs to catch up.